I wish that one day I'll be an au pair!!

Totally out of my comfort zone but I wanna do it! Right now I have an application in aupair-world.net and am getting tonnes of messages. I found a perfect family but think they already have an au pair so that kinda sucked but otherwise I'm still waiting for the perfect family to come by! I wanna go to Spain preferably for just like 2 months. I could be earning some money while enjoying myself and taking care of kids, which will definitely benefit me with my future career. I'm so looking forward to this!

Also, when you leave to go somewhere far from home into a new environment and live with as little technology as possible and just be with yourself and the kids; you learn a lot about yourself! So I think it would be really cool to just be and become more aware of me. I'm so exited and am looking forward to this. Who knows might not find a perfect family or might get my ticket to Spain already in 3 weeks! Fingers crossed!

I wish I didn't have to proof to myself that I'm loved so much.

I feel like I push limits in order to find out if I'm accepted and loved. I feel like if I get upset I often harden my heart and push the limit just a bit or say something to see what the other person will do. Not like mean things but just something like not reacting to something that should be reacted to. I feel like maybe I try seek this need to be accepted. I think what would really proof something to me is if I could be really bitchy and do stupid things and just be a not nice person and still I would have someone be with me the entire day and not say one negative thing to me.

Stuff that I hate I also like to see if someone would do them to me. I hate being hung up the phone to. I hate being slammed the door at. I hate being insulted. I hate someone talking negatively about my loved ones. I hate it if someone get too close to something thats very important to me.  I think I often try see if someone close to me would do something to me that they know I hate, or they know I'll get hurt of. And I think I get really offended if someone does something to me that they know will make me unhappy and hurt me. Its the ugly truth I guess... I think I'm a difficult person. 


Whats with that anyway? Why do I have such a huge need to be proven that I'm loved sometimes?