Okay, I'm already separated from my family since I moved to Scotland now but that doesn't bother me much. I guess I'm used to not seeing them sometimes (okay maybe I miss them just a little bit...). But I wish I never never never will have to be separated from my boyfriend. That would be horrible. Just imagine being separated from someone you care about that much for like a year. That would take a lot of commitment, patience and love.
Sad part is I'm probably gonna have to be separated from mine for at least a year at some point. He will have to do army and unless I go to Finland to wait for him to come visit every now and then, we will have to go long distance for a bit. It will be absolutely horrible. It's gonna be all about skype and mail. I think I would actually sit down and write a letter at that point. I guess its all part of being in a long distance relationship. I'm so not looking forward to it (if it ends up happening). =/
I feel like I push limits in order to find out if I'm accepted and loved. I feel like if I get upset I often harden my heart and push the limit just a bit or say something to see what the other person will do. Not like mean things but just something like not reacting to something that should be reacted to. I feel like maybe I try seek this need to be accepted. I think what would really proof something to me is if I could be really bitchy and do stupid things and just be a not nice person and still I would have someone be with me the entire day and not say one negative thing to me.
Stuff that I hate I also like to see if someone would do them to me. I hate being hung up the phone to. I hate being slammed the door at. I hate being insulted. I hate someone talking negatively about my loved ones. I hate it if someone get too close to something thats very important to me. I think I often try see if someone close to me would do something to me that they know I hate, or they know I'll get hurt of. And I think I get really offended if someone does something to me that they know will make me unhappy and hurt me. Its the ugly truth I guess... I think I'm a difficult person.
Whats with that anyway? Why do I have such a huge need to be proven that I'm loved sometimes?
...In a river, or an ocean, or a sea, or a lake, or just anywhere while it rains! I saw a picture of someone swimming in the rain and right at that moment I had a flashback of when I was little and we were swimming when it started to rain. The feeling was AMAZING! I just didn't wanna leave! Anyone who has ever swam in the rain knows exactly what I'm talking about. Especially if the water is kinda warm and the rain is a bit cold. Just amazing.
If I was in a country where there was warm water and it suddenly started to rain (not just any kinda rain, pouring rain) I would just take my clothes off and just run in! I don't know why I would like it so much but maybe its cuz firstly I haven't swam for ages since the rivers are so cold in Finland and no way I'll swim here in Scotland! Last time I really really enjoyed myself while swimming outdoors was when I still lived in The Gambia. Now if I ever make it to the water, I just wanna get out pretty fast. But yea, and secondly, I just love rain! Most of the time at least, not freezing rain as much :)
Swimming + Rain = Just the perfect combination <3
Life is hard. It almost feels like you can't make it in this world alone. Of course there are the moments when life is really easy and you forget how hard life can be but trust me, hard times will come! Anyway thats not my point. You know how we ask people 'How are you?' when we see them. Who wants to hear any answer to it that a basic positive answer such as 'I'm fine' or 'oh, I'm ok and you?'. Since we don't expect to hear anything but a 'I'm fine', that fine could mean a tonne of things. Imagine asking a person you don't know that well, how are they doing and they explained their worries to you. Honestly, how awkward would that be... I guess it would be nice to be there to listen to them but it's just unexpected.
I thought about this because my cousin asked me 'How are you managing to wake up from your bed in the mornings now a days?' and I thought, that is an amazing way to ask someone indirectly without intruding is everything okay. And since its not just a normal question like how are you, it makes you actually think about it... how am I really? I thought it would be nice to hear someone ask me more often, hey how are you really? So yea, I guess especially with close people I will start asking how they are in a bit different ways than just hey 'how's u?' and show that I care. =)
