I wish I didn't feel so empty

Lately I've felt really empty. I'm pretty sure I know the reasons why but I can't do anything about it. I need to just wait and time will make it all better I guess. I just want to tell future me to be thankful for happiness and not take it for granted as I trust I won't be this way in some years time. I have so much things to do right now with university and everything but I just feel so empty that I'm not doing them and time is running out. I really need to just push through this and it will all be better soon. I just hate feeling this way and there are days I feel like it will all be better but then again I have days that I just feel like giving up. I'm sure there's so many of you out there who feel just like me and its hard to stay positive but better days are yet to come. =)

'This too shall come to pass'

My life is not great right now. I feel like I'm fine and I say it out loud so I don't need to admit to myself that I feel like I will fall at any second. I don't know if it's just the moment or if this is something I need to get over with time. I have so many decisions I need to make as soon as possible, I have to do a lot of course work for university, I feel like I am letting go of certain people in my life I don't want to but feel like I have to. I want to be strong and resilient and not admit that I've been hurt this time. Perhaps its because I've always tried to be strong so its like the hit that finally knocks you a bit? I feel like I try and say out loud how I'm happy with how everything turned out and this is the way I planned it as I'm afraid to admit this is not what I wanted at all. I don't think I ever knew what I wanted to begin with tho so who knows. I feel like I'm running away from my problems quite literally but I don't know if I should just stand and face them this time. I think I'll choose the first option...

This song came up randomly on my youtube and it hit me somewhere where all those feelings I just wrote above came out. I didn't plan this post or try write it nicely or get lovely photos. Just the song and my feelings in the simplest way possible and a bit sugarcoatedly. Couldn't even be bothered to stick to my I wish titles this time, sorry about that. :) If I had to come up with something I guess it would be something in the lines of 'I wish this little part of my big life would be over already and I would feel like normal happy me again!' I just thought 'This too shall come to pass' would express more what I feel like now and how I try look at the positives... even tho I really don't. You know what I mean, no more lying to myself! :D

I Wish I Didn't Get Social Anxiety

I've always had it but only thought about it lately, I suffer from social anxiety. I'm really out going as in I can ask strangers on the street for directions and talk to them like I've known them forever, but when it comes to a university situation, or meeting friends of friends, or being in a large group of people I kinda don't know, I get really quiet and I feel super awkward. I hate that about me. I avoid going to places where I know my friends have their own friends because I know I'm gonna feel awkward and like an outsider since I become really quiet. I'm okay most of the time but sometimes it comes and I just can't get rid of it. It just makes you over think everything and you end up shutting up and feeling awkward.

This summer I'm meant to be meeting friends who come with their own friends, and I've already cancelled going out once and made other plans since I felt awkward, and now I was invited for a weekend at a summer cottage with a bunch of people and I just feel really awkward about it. I replied that I will see if I have other plans just in case I feel really awkward about it and don't wanna go to the summer cottage after all. If I could change stuff about me, I'd change this. I also feel like I don't want to make an effort sometimes in case it gets awkward and rather just sit on my own instead. I think this is mainly because I dread just going to sit next to someone and saying "hi, what was your name again?". Sometimes I'll make friends with perfect strangers just like that, but then there are the times I just want to disappear from the world when faced with a large group of random people. I'm complicated. 

- That photo gives you a brief idea what I'm talking about but my situation definitely isn't that bad! :D

I wish I get a job and don't have to take a loan!

If anyone at any point thought I am in anyway rich or well off or spoiled little brat - you were mistaken. I am a poor student. I want a job that would in some way relate to my future career but it is really hard to find a job in my country (I am going to see my family for the summer). I could take a cleaners job I've done during my holidays (since I was 16) at a hotel but I've injured my back because of it so I don't think it would be too smart of me. So yeah someone please tell me where I'm meant to pull money out of. My friends and family tell me I should just use my student loan but I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I know its completely normal to take the loan and it is meant to support students during their studies, hence the name, but I know I would just constantly think about how much I'm on minus. I'm just not comfortable with the idea. So fingers crossed someone will want to employ me or I'll just have to go back to the hotel for a month at least. I don't want the picture below to me soon. Meh.

Just a little word of thinking with brains here at the bottom. I am really thankful that I am lucky enough to live in a country where I get free tuition fees, I know that a lot of people do not have that luxury. Also tonnes of people are way worse off than me so I should not stress about this. I will end up taking the loan if I don't figure out something this summer but I am stressed about it and this is my little I wish blog so I get to come rage about my life here ;D

P.s Sorry I haven't been posting much lately <3

I wish poverty was prioritized first and gotten rid of ASAP!!!!

Those of you who read my blog probably already picked up that I'm a student studying in Scotland at the moment. Since I'm studying social work, part of our course i social policy which involves studying different areas in society which need social policies such as immigration and asylum, and poverty (personal favorite topics!). When we studied poverty and really looked at it in depth, it really hit me - 1 in 3 children live in poverty in Scotland. That is tonnes! How ridiculous is that? To look at some statistics from 2011/2012:

Out of all individuals 14% lived in relative poverty before housing (after housing 17%), and 15% lived in absolute poverty before housing (after housing 18%). 

Out of children  15% lived in relative poverty before housing (after housing 20%), and 16% lived in absolute poverty before housing (after housing 22%). 

If you don't understand these terms, relative poverty refers to your standard of living; you don't have the income to support your material needs which leads you to be excluded from society as you cannot participate in it. Absolute poverty means you don't have the means to support your physical survival so food, shelter, clothing, etc. 

Think about it, Scotland (UK) is a developed country and considered one of the most developed countries, but still approx. one in three individuals live in poverty. And in all honesty, I wont sugar coat it - these people live in homes which are freezing and don't have hot water or heating. They live most of the time on one or no hot meals in a day. Its not pretty. The video posted at the bottom is about students speaking of poverty and is a powerful one as it shows what poverty really is through the eyes of people living it. I'll also link Lorde's song Royals as it speaks of these people who live in poverty. 

I'm a student and obviously worry about my finances, but I try as much as possible to think of these children living with pretty much nothing, and then thank God that I have a blanket and a bed and a roof on top of my head. My room is around 10 degrees warm in the mornings when I wake up and it is freezing at night as well (heating doesn't help). I also try have meat on 3 or 4 days a week and rest of the time have like vegetables or something. Its super cheap to buy a big bag of carrots for 40p and they last me like 2 weeks. I am truly happy and think I have so much. I've found it in my heart to be thankful for what I have and feel dirty to even complain about my situation anymore. I think all of us should take some time to think about our priorities and reflect upon how rich we really are! I suggest taking 3minutes out to watch the video below. :)

Lorde - Royals "And we'll never be royals, it don't run in our blood, that kind of lux just ain't for us"

I wish I could go into a blanket fort and color my time away and not care about nothing.

I'm annoyed at life. Simply because it doesn't work the way I want it to. I wish people had time for me exactly when I have time, did things for me, and pleased me. Today I played hide and seek with kids and a 6 year old was ruining the game by telling the people hiding when I was coming. I got pissed. Why is it so hard for me to understand that its a 6 year old? Who cares about the rules, just have fun? Well I think I'm so self centered some days that I care. There is tonnes of stuff that happened especially today that make me feel like It's hard for me to accept things going other than my way. At the moment I feel very stubborn and I feel very unhappy with things not going my way right now. And nothing major, just stupid things like hide and seek and people not having time for me when I have 5 minutes free. Today I feel like I want to go into a blanket fort and color. And I wish I could do that without caring about anything or responding to anyone. - And in case you're wondering, yes, I am a grown up.

I wish I could settle down with life already... or do I?

My whole life I've always thought that I'd love to live out of a suitcase pretty much and travel as much as possible. Well now that I'm pretty much living out of a suitcase its not that fun! I live in Scotland but have to find a place to put my stuff for every summer when I go to Finland as my lease ends. Right now I got a second suitcase from my brother who told me I could fill that and take it to his place. Even that one suitcase is not enough! And I'm taking half of my stuff home anyway. This is not good! He will be pissed when he finds out :D Mission impossible here I come. 

This makes me really wish that I knew where I will be settling down someday because I could buy more stuff and maybe get a second pet (I've adopted a bunny!). And the thing is I'm not gonna be a few hour drive away in a few years, I will be in a whole new country most likely. I have tonnes of stuff in Finland and half of my stuff here in Scotland and just wish I had them in one place. Oh well... I kinda like living like this otherwise so I'm not really sure what I want. I have mixed feelings towards this. Maybe I should just start saving money by not shopping anymore to keep the amount of stuff I own under control!

I wish I could escape life.

Life is hectic sometimes. For me that sometimes is now so I would like to take the easy way out and escape from life. Oh if it only were that simple. I'm at the end of my first year of university so I'm in this horrible situation of having to pick who to live with out of 3 people who pretty much think/expect they are going to live with me and I basically feel like I'm being pulled in every direction at the crossroads. And the feeling of knowing that whatever I do, is going to hurt someone is the worst feeling ever. I'm hating my life right now. On top of that I sent my mother today the messages I was supposed to send my cousin complaining about my life which didn't make my stress any better (except I realized what a loving mom I had in a completely new way which was very nice). On top of all this I have a politics and social work essay to write as well as eventually start studying for my up-coming exams (lowest priority right now). Oh someone just take me away from this world for a bit PLEASE! I know it will sort it's self out eventually but until then couldn't I just disappear somewhere far far away? Sigh...

I wish love was like in the movies based on Nicholas Sparks

Here goes a post on love. Just love. This is really not like me but Nicholas Sparks books have just made me compare love in the stories with reality. In the movies based on Nicholas Sparks, love is appreciated and not taken for granted. The way the lovers value each other is just beautiful to watch. Maybe because in these movies people have to actually fight for love, they appreciate it so much. I wish I saw people truly loving each other endlessly like in these movies. I wish the looks we give to each other would be full of love and respect. I haven't watched all the movies shown below but they are all on my 'must see' list.

I love how in The Notebook Noah's and Allies love was playful and they had loads of fun together everyday. I wish that when I'm 40 I'll still be having fun and running around playfully with my future husband someday.

One thing you really don't see now a days is the love that lasts forever. Today everyone is just 'growing apart' and getting divorces. Whats with that anyway? Love is a choice and marriage is a choice, a choice to stay with the other person forever no matter what. SPOILER: In 'A Walk To Remember' Landon marries Jamie even though she has leukemia and they are pretty much high school students. He knows she will die soon but still goes for it because thats all that matters to him. You just don't see that too often anymore.

Another thing I love to see is people who truly appreciate each others presence. Isn't it adorable seeing couples run into each others arms sometimes. Doesn't really happen much but when it does, its such a Daaaw moment, especially if the couple is a bit of an older couple and not teenagers. 

One thing I think people should definitely do more, including me is fight and then get over it. Fights and arguments come and go, why not let it go and not make a huge deal out of little things. In fact why not make the effort to not start fights out of little things in the first place. Like the photo belows says 'but despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.' 

When I think about it, I feel like I myself don't value love as much as I should. And to be honest, I should be thankful that I'm in the same country as my boyfriend in the first place. I think I will try change my behavior and learn to be a more caring and appreciating girlfriend. Perhaps love will be more like the movies then eh? Change always starts from oneself. :)

I wish I wasn't scared to donate blood.

I really wanna donate blood but I'm just not comfortable with the idea. I'm not scared of needles or seeing blood but I just feel uncomfortable. My blood group is O- which is the most precious one because I can donate to any other blood group so I feel like I have some sort of responsibility to donate. Oh, the contradiction of wanting to do something but being too scared. I just hate the feeling of someone taking blood from me, something being taken from my arm constantly and I feel the flow. If it was a few second thing I'd be fine since I can kinda hold my breath and force myself to think about pancakes or something, but this will take quite a while. Oh gosh. =( I will one day force myself to do it tho. Thats a promise. Theres an opportunity to donate at my university on the 28th so I will try get myself mentally prepared for this. Most likely won't happen but I'll try my very best not wuss out. I have that nervous feeling in me already, the same one I get when I go to the dentist or something else thats horrible. Wish me luck with this...

I wish people would love this song as much as I do =)

I heard this song in my friends car today and then came home and listened to it so many times that I'm already getting a little bit tired of it. Except I think I can never get sick of this. If I could sing and play the piano better I would learn to play this and then sing it over and over. Of course alone tho. Heh... =) I liked it from the very first time I heard it and I hope others would too!

Otherwise on WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE right now, I'm having my final exams in about a week and a half and I haven't studied at all yet! I've been having study break for about 2½ weeks now and I have just been lazy and I need to get enough points to get into the university I applied for. I seriously hate studying and have 0 motivation. I forced my self to read biology the other day. I sat there for about 3-4 hours and read about 3/4 of a page and day dreamed the rest of the time. I'm in big trouble and if motivation doesn't soon come to me, looks like I'm gonna be sitting a year waiting for a retake on the exams. What am I gonna do? =(

I wish I could save a life one day...

There is a million ways you can practically 'save a life'. Little things can have big effects. Think about it, by donating like 2€ to red cross or some other organisation could help in saving somebody's life, donate blood and you've just saved a life, been there as a listener for someone going through a tough time could prevent them from taking their own life and you wouldn't even know it! There's a million ways. I'm sure all of us have played some kinda role in making someones life better or perhaps even saving a life, but I would love to do something bigger. I'd love to know that hey, I just helped that person take a grip on life again or I just turned that persons life around to the better side. It would be an amazing feeling. 

One feeling I'm pretty sure no one would wanna have is knowing you could have done something, and knowing you can't anymore. For instance thinking that your friend takes their own life and you could have been there and stayed up with them all night but you weren't. I think that would be terrible. It would be awesome to know that you gave someone hope in life again or you where the person who changed their life for the better. I don't hope for a situation like that for anyone, but if there was a situation like that, I really wouldn't mind being there for them. 

Another thing is that people are so uptight and 'i don't care about other people' often, no offence if you fall into this category. But reality is that we can't make it alone in this world. There I said it. And I found an amazing photo (the one above), which says it better than a thousand words. Sometimes we just need someone to be there for us and turn that hourglass once again and we just cant do it alone. So start looking out for other people more I guess. =)