I Wish I Didn't Get Social Anxiety

I've always had it but only thought about it lately, I suffer from social anxiety. I'm really out going as in I can ask strangers on the street for directions and talk to them like I've known them forever, but when it comes to a university situation, or meeting friends of friends, or being in a large group of people I kinda don't know, I get really quiet and I feel super awkward. I hate that about me. I avoid going to places where I know my friends have their own friends because I know I'm gonna feel awkward and like an outsider since I become really quiet. I'm okay most of the time but sometimes it comes and I just can't get rid of it. It just makes you over think everything and you end up shutting up and feeling awkward.

This summer I'm meant to be meeting friends who come with their own friends, and I've already cancelled going out once and made other plans since I felt awkward, and now I was invited for a weekend at a summer cottage with a bunch of people and I just feel really awkward about it. I replied that I will see if I have other plans just in case I feel really awkward about it and don't wanna go to the summer cottage after all. If I could change stuff about me, I'd change this. I also feel like I don't want to make an effort sometimes in case it gets awkward and rather just sit on my own instead. I think this is mainly because I dread just going to sit next to someone and saying "hi, what was your name again?". Sometimes I'll make friends with perfect strangers just like that, but then there are the times I just want to disappear from the world when faced with a large group of random people. I'm complicated. 

- That photo gives you a brief idea what I'm talking about but my situation definitely isn't that bad! :D

I wish you could trust people, especially friends.

You know that saying never trust anyone, well what about friends? I was friends with this girl and hung out with her like everyday. She was like the nicest girl ever and for a while like one of my best friends. People told me not to trust anyone with bigger stuff but when you have a close friend, your common sense just automatically trust them. Well after 1st year of university, I was meant to live with this girl and I gave up the security of having a flat for 3 years, and had to let 2 of my friends down. and let them find a new flatmate while I go live with this girl. I had to do this because she had no one and was opening the option of leaving university and I felt really bad for her. Well she was super happy to have me tell her I'll live with her. 

All was good till end of summer came. She sends me a message informing me that shes been thinking about moving back to her home country and quitting university for a long time now, and has decided to do it leaving me on my own, without a flat or flatmate for next year. I got quite stressed and disappointed about it but was more worried that she wouldn't take care of my rabbit while I was on holiday. Turns out she never even picked up my rabbit from his rabbit-sitter and I had to beg the person to take care of him for a while longer. I got more mad about this but thought whatever. The next thing she did was basically steal £5 from my friend who she owed to (didn't pay back full loans and refused to). I got mad about this and told her to return the money which she did not. 

Well the biggest thing for me was that when I went to pick up a box of my cutlery and pans and pots and other kitchen stuff, turns out she stole my frying pan that cost me £20, all my spices (there was quite a lot), my pot, my other pots lid, and a bunch of other stuff. This was the last drop for me. Seriously?????? I haven't sent her a message yet about this but I think I will very soon and a very impolite one too. I know she will get all super protective and somehow try justify herself so I'm just gonna write her a rude message once and for all and not give in with her. Seriously no matter how nice and how close of a friend you have, always be ready for disappointments because I did not see this coming...