I Wish I Didn't Get Social Anxiety

I've always had it but only thought about it lately, I suffer from social anxiety. I'm really out going as in I can ask strangers on the street for directions and talk to them like I've known them forever, but when it comes to a university situation, or meeting friends of friends, or being in a large group of people I kinda don't know, I get really quiet and I feel super awkward. I hate that about me. I avoid going to places where I know my friends have their own friends because I know I'm gonna feel awkward and like an outsider since I become really quiet. I'm okay most of the time but sometimes it comes and I just can't get rid of it. It just makes you over think everything and you end up shutting up and feeling awkward.

This summer I'm meant to be meeting friends who come with their own friends, and I've already cancelled going out once and made other plans since I felt awkward, and now I was invited for a weekend at a summer cottage with a bunch of people and I just feel really awkward about it. I replied that I will see if I have other plans just in case I feel really awkward about it and don't wanna go to the summer cottage after all. If I could change stuff about me, I'd change this. I also feel like I don't want to make an effort sometimes in case it gets awkward and rather just sit on my own instead. I think this is mainly because I dread just going to sit next to someone and saying "hi, what was your name again?". Sometimes I'll make friends with perfect strangers just like that, but then there are the times I just want to disappear from the world when faced with a large group of random people. I'm complicated. 

- That photo gives you a brief idea what I'm talking about but my situation definitely isn't that bad! :D

I wish poverty was prioritized first and gotten rid of ASAP!!!!

Those of you who read my blog probably already picked up that I'm a student studying in Scotland at the moment. Since I'm studying social work, part of our course i social policy which involves studying different areas in society which need social policies such as immigration and asylum, and poverty (personal favorite topics!). When we studied poverty and really looked at it in depth, it really hit me - 1 in 3 children live in poverty in Scotland. That is tonnes! How ridiculous is that? To look at some statistics from 2011/2012:

Out of all individuals 14% lived in relative poverty before housing (after housing 17%), and 15% lived in absolute poverty before housing (after housing 18%). 

Out of children  15% lived in relative poverty before housing (after housing 20%), and 16% lived in absolute poverty before housing (after housing 22%). 

If you don't understand these terms, relative poverty refers to your standard of living; you don't have the income to support your material needs which leads you to be excluded from society as you cannot participate in it. Absolute poverty means you don't have the means to support your physical survival so food, shelter, clothing, etc. 

Think about it, Scotland (UK) is a developed country and considered one of the most developed countries, but still approx. one in three individuals live in poverty. And in all honesty, I wont sugar coat it - these people live in homes which are freezing and don't have hot water or heating. They live most of the time on one or no hot meals in a day. Its not pretty. The video posted at the bottom is about students speaking of poverty and is a powerful one as it shows what poverty really is through the eyes of people living it. I'll also link Lorde's song Royals as it speaks of these people who live in poverty. 

I'm a student and obviously worry about my finances, but I try as much as possible to think of these children living with pretty much nothing, and then thank God that I have a blanket and a bed and a roof on top of my head. My room is around 10 degrees warm in the mornings when I wake up and it is freezing at night as well (heating doesn't help). I also try have meat on 3 or 4 days a week and rest of the time have like vegetables or something. Its super cheap to buy a big bag of carrots for 40p and they last me like 2 weeks. I am truly happy and think I have so much. I've found it in my heart to be thankful for what I have and feel dirty to even complain about my situation anymore. I think all of us should take some time to think about our priorities and reflect upon how rich we really are! I suggest taking 3minutes out to watch the video below. :)

Lorde - Royals "And we'll never be royals, it don't run in our blood, that kind of lux just ain't for us"

I wish love was like in the movies based on Nicholas Sparks

Here goes a post on love. Just love. This is really not like me but Nicholas Sparks books have just made me compare love in the stories with reality. In the movies based on Nicholas Sparks, love is appreciated and not taken for granted. The way the lovers value each other is just beautiful to watch. Maybe because in these movies people have to actually fight for love, they appreciate it so much. I wish I saw people truly loving each other endlessly like in these movies. I wish the looks we give to each other would be full of love and respect. I haven't watched all the movies shown below but they are all on my 'must see' list.

I love how in The Notebook Noah's and Allies love was playful and they had loads of fun together everyday. I wish that when I'm 40 I'll still be having fun and running around playfully with my future husband someday.

One thing you really don't see now a days is the love that lasts forever. Today everyone is just 'growing apart' and getting divorces. Whats with that anyway? Love is a choice and marriage is a choice, a choice to stay with the other person forever no matter what. SPOILER: In 'A Walk To Remember' Landon marries Jamie even though she has leukemia and they are pretty much high school students. He knows she will die soon but still goes for it because thats all that matters to him. You just don't see that too often anymore.

Another thing I love to see is people who truly appreciate each others presence. Isn't it adorable seeing couples run into each others arms sometimes. Doesn't really happen much but when it does, its such a Daaaw moment, especially if the couple is a bit of an older couple and not teenagers. 

One thing I think people should definitely do more, including me is fight and then get over it. Fights and arguments come and go, why not let it go and not make a huge deal out of little things. In fact why not make the effort to not start fights out of little things in the first place. Like the photo belows says 'but despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.' 

When I think about it, I feel like I myself don't value love as much as I should. And to be honest, I should be thankful that I'm in the same country as my boyfriend in the first place. I think I will try change my behavior and learn to be a more caring and appreciating girlfriend. Perhaps love will be more like the movies then eh? Change always starts from oneself. :)

I wish that when I'm old, I'll still be good-looking

I'm sure that by the time I turn 50, I'll look like an old bat. Now obviously if I could pick I wouldn't really like that. Sometimes I see older people who look really good and classy and I just wish I could be like them one day. Of course it's not like a must and I don't want to be forever young or anything. I want to age naturally but still look good. I think a person looks the best when they look natural. When I'm old I'm probably going to be dying my hair to hide gray hairs of course but otherwise if I'm going to make up, I think I'd just do my eyebrows and maybe foundation if I find that necessary. So yea, I found these pictures just randomly online and find the women really good looking and beautiful for their age. Especially the lady with the gray hair looks really good. I love how she has gray hair that has been straightened and styled. The other lady I liked because she had a really natural look. I guess I won't look that bad when I'm old if I'll bother to make the effort to have my hair reasonably done and maybe a little bit of make up too. 

I wish I didn't have to proof to myself that I'm loved so much.

I feel like I push limits in order to find out if I'm accepted and loved. I feel like if I get upset I often harden my heart and push the limit just a bit or say something to see what the other person will do. Not like mean things but just something like not reacting to something that should be reacted to. I feel like maybe I try seek this need to be accepted. I think what would really proof something to me is if I could be really bitchy and do stupid things and just be a not nice person and still I would have someone be with me the entire day and not say one negative thing to me.

Stuff that I hate I also like to see if someone would do them to me. I hate being hung up the phone to. I hate being slammed the door at. I hate being insulted. I hate someone talking negatively about my loved ones. I hate it if someone get too close to something thats very important to me.  I think I often try see if someone close to me would do something to me that they know I hate, or they know I'll get hurt of. And I think I get really offended if someone does something to me that they know will make me unhappy and hurt me. Its the ugly truth I guess... I think I'm a difficult person. 


Whats with that anyway? Why do I have such a huge need to be proven that I'm loved sometimes?

I wish I found it easier to commit to other people

I found this volunteering organization which I got really interested about, but long term just simply commitment scares me. The organization was for a childline where I would basically be on a shift where I answer the phone if any child wants to talk to me about their worries or troubles. But what worries me is that I don't really know if I would be able to know what to say and know what to answer if a difficult topic comes up so its out of my comfort zone even tho I really wanna do it. It sounded really interesting to me but the second I started thinking about it further I just got this feeling like, do I have this kind of commitment in me?

Another organization was called 'befriend a child' where I would basically commit to hang out with a child twice a month, for 2 hours, for a year minimum. The children are mainly from not so good backgrounds and so the goal basically is to make the child smile and have a good time. When I heard about it I just thought right away YES. But now a few days later I'm like, 'For a year? What if the kid doesn't like me? What if its weird and awkward?' and all that. It's really bad to think like that tho because that few hours that I'd spent with the child could make them forget their reality for a bit and they could just have a good time and laugh. It would probably mean the world to them.

My point basically is that I really really would love to have a responsibility like this where I could feel good about what I do and feel like I'm doing something for someone else, but I feel like I don't really have it in me. Personally I think it would do me some good to step out of my comfort zone especially if its for the good of someone else, but how do I make myself do that. I keep telling myself, 'I'll do it!' and then I'm like 'Naaah' the next second. I really need someone to have a good long chat with me and persuade me to get up and go for it! I know I should go for it, but long story short 'easier said than done'. I really wish I get myself to commit to this in the next months! 

I wish I NEVER have to talk anyone out of suicide again.

I have mentioned in this blog about loving helping people out and I even put a photo up that said 'talking someone out of suicide.' Lets just say that that 'sorta wish' came true, unfortunately. It was NOT fun. I felt such responsibility and I felt like if that person took their own life, it was my fault. I would have done anything to get out of that situation. I didn't know to do honestly. I just talked and listened and talked and gave advice and told what not to do etc. I kept thinking, should I be calling an ambulance? Should I call their friends? Should I call the police? It was so... distressing. 

I talked with the person for hours at night online even tho I had to wake up really early for work. Every now and then it felt like the person just wanted attention and was making a too big deal about everything, and then it felt like they were fo real again. The next day was absolutely horrible. I didn't know if the person was alive and I felt so so so so so bad. I was in my own world constantly thinking about it and I was extremely stressed out. Words cannot express how I felt. Seriously, NEVER again. 

I found out after a few days that the person was alright but in the hospital and I was sooooo thankful. Seriously thank God for everything being okay. Of course if I get into a situation like this one again, I will stay and help out and listen and try talk the person out of suicide, I mean how couldn't I? But if I could pick then I preferably wouldn't. 

I wish I more often witnessed people get over the dark sides/challenges of life

When you know someone and you see that their going through a rough patch in life, you're involved automatically. I have a friend who has been going through a tough time for quite a while and I've thought about her so much. At least for me its a bit self-evident that I try be as a support and try lift people up once they fall. Now here comes the point: Oh the joy when you see or hear that someone you've watched be in this dark place for ages is finally coming to the light again. It feels like there was a battle that has now been won! 

In a way its a victory for me as well because in some situations I feel like I am mentally with the person a lot, and I try fight through those battles with the person. It sure is an amazing feeling when you realize they are free or almost there! After that, all you have to do is make sure they stay up and when you fall, then perhaps someone can help you up. We can't really make it in this world alone can we?

I wish that I will grow old with that one person I choose to marry some day.

I'm used to people getting married and living together till they die. That's why the say 'till death do us part' right. In this modern world we live in tho there are lots of break-up's and divorce's being filed. That's because divorce is made an option. In my life I will not make divorce an option (lets hope my husband wont make it an option either). I have seen difficult marriages and I have come to the conclusion that when I get married, I will at least say my vows and mean them:


For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.


I know that practically everyone say they mean their vows and how they will be together forever, etc. but seriously, no matter how huge the problem is, then why not have a sit down and fix it. One thing that's always important to remember is that no matter how hard it is, NEVER go to sleep without fixing your issues first. That's how I've lived my life so far, at least most of the time, and I plan to keep it that way. I've not being brought up with divorce being an option and I've seen that marriages WILL be hard, but that's how you learn about each other right? And that is the point.

Old couples are rare to see together now a days, especially the ones from which you can tell that they really love each other. Those are the ones that walk hand in hand, look at each other with loving eyes, help out each other and just be together. I just love seeing that and I really really really hope that I will be in that position myself one day. 

I wish I learned to appreciate the people around me more

I have realized that I don't appreciate my loved ones the way I should. Any day, at any moment, I could lose a loved one and I know I would feel terrible because I haven't appreciated them the way I should have. I have lately tried to apply it to my life: 'live everyday like it was your last'... or more like the other persons last. It's helped me become more loving towards others and made me realize them more. But believe me there is still a lot to be done! :D And I think that we shouldn't only appreciate our loved ones, no, but also the people around us we barely notice most of the time. It means a lot already just realizing someone by saying hey. 

We don't really tend to notice problems and realize how important someone is to us until a problem arises after which were all of a sudden so caring. I think it should be self-evident that we value the people around us and are unconditionally loving and caring. As I'm writing this I got a phone call where I once again realized how I haven't really noticed the hard times my loved ones are going through and haven't really been there for them. So yea, I really wish I'd start appreciating the people around me in general way more, weather it's my own family member or a random person on the street. And I will work on that! =)