I wish that I was thin and stayed thin. Confessions...

Trigger Warning!

Knowing what I'm like and imagining how others may be, can I just say, this blog post is not meant to be of inspiration to anyone. This is purely me being honest about things as no one properly knows the extent of my... issues. Right, here goes. I had an eating disorder (? first time referring to it as that) starting a year and half back. My ex-boyfriend kept commenting on my body, eating habits, asking if I was going to the gym if I was going to be eating, as well as commenting once on my 'excess fat'. Prior to being in this relationship I would say I was quite confident within myself so these comments didn't phase me much at all (to begin with). I felt these just reflected his own issues which I could maybe help him with. Well surprise surprise, eventually I had heard enough and started believing those comments. 

We broke up at one point and I was so upset I stopped eating. I could not eat as I felt nauseous constantly. I drank lots of fruit juice to get sugar and calories in. A few days in I noticed, I had started losing weight. I instantly became addicted. It had always been a thought and now it was reality. I started measuring myself constantly. I lost 8kg in a very short time and I felt nauseous every time I tried to eat. I kept thinking - he would like me like this. Or maybe now he will see what he has done to me with his comments and hopefully he will tell me I'm too skinny and hopefully even feel a bit guilty maybe? But how sad will I be if I'm only good enough like this and he encourages this? Well we got back together after a week and a half and the first thing he said was are you not eating? I was happy. I had food not thinking twice and spewed involuntarily 10mins later on the street. My body was shocked with solid food all of a sudden. 





Forward half a year. My phone is full of selfies of my 'thin' body. Mixed feelings of happiness and sadness. I hear people make comments of me being skinny. I secretly love those moments. I also secretly wish someone was concerned. Maybe I wish someone showed they cared. A friend did cry when she found out. I wish I could stay this thin forever. I'd not had a proper period for half a year and the doctor told me to gain weight. I weighed myself naked on two scales multiple times a day. My ex was fully aware of this and sometimes was in the same room but I hid my weight from him. I measured myself constantly. To this day I wonder, why didn't he stop me? Why didn't he throw the scales out the window? He told me I had an eating disorder and that I was not allowed to work in the eating disorder unit I applied for a job to. But he never came in between it either? When we argued he sometimes said something about my body on purpose and left me thinking, he needs to see me spewing, powerlessly, weak, before he will ever understand. But am I really completely mentally taken over by this only to show him how much he has broken me, or is there more to it?  







9 months have passed from this. I've been single for some months now. He did apologize for this and said he didn't mean for this to happen to me but then told me in an argument a few months later 'all i do is eat' admitting his intention was to abuse this vulnerability of mine. He later said he didn't mean it but the damage had been done once again. I'm back to my normal weight now and I'm getting paranoid a times that people notice. I can't stop eating as I love food and lack self-control. I wish I could stick to 1-2 meals a day. I almost wish I had that will power that was there only through being hurt so much. But I don't want to be hurt. I just want to be thin and pretty. I exercise a few times a week but not enough. I had a bit of abs a month back. Not anymore. Is this all in my head? I'm better as I've been eating normally for like 7 months but I wont lie... sometimes I wanna be like that again. If I got a stomach bug I'd get traumatized by food for a while. That would help. I don't know but I'm pretty sure I had an eating disorder? How damaging are peoples words. I'm paranoid of my body although I know full well I'm a size 'Small' and lots of folk would love to have my body. People don't know at all and the ones that do don't know the full extent of how bad this has been. I just needed to spill my thoughts somewhere where no one will know me so here it is. 

Dreams Come True

I was sitting thinking about this blog and then thought to myself; why am I just writing about wishes? What about when I actually do something about those wishes and make them come true? Surely I need to inform you guys so you don't think I just sit around dreaming my life away! Well here goes. I have always loved circus, gymnastics and dancing kinda thing as you maybe can tell from my blog. I have done pole dancing (the fitness type! :D ) before as a teenager and absolutely loved it. Every year after that, which is now like 5 years, I have thought 'oh I'll go to the gym for a while to gain strength and then go'. Well I am pleased to say that I have finally started both aerial hoop and pole dancing!!! I absolutely love both and don't understand why I haven't started earlier. This fulfills my wishes of circus-y stuff, dancing and flexibility which I have written about before. 

I was a bit nervous going thinking I will be rubbish at it and so on, but I went in and could do the moves and if I couldn't the instructor would help me. Everyone needs to start somewhere. I got a lovely confidence boost as well when the instructor was pleased with me when I could do a move no one else could do in the beginners class even though it was my first time! I was just thinking yay me for training my core at the gym! (a few times haha) SO what have we learned? Always act upon your dreams!!! Otherwise you'll end up regretting it. And better late than never!!! I've never posted pictures of myself but I will post one now as I feel it needs to be posted as evidence for this!

Looking back...

When I started this blog I hoped it would help me see how I have changed throughout the years and it has done that for me. I have often come here to put my feelings down. To be honest with you, I often forget about this blog until I am upset as this is where I used to come when I was the most upset. When I read back on this blog I realized how much I have been through in the past years and how my feelings have reflected from what I have written. To go with the theme of sadness I wanted to post the song Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men that speaks about depression. I absolutely love the song and can relate to it very well. There is something beautiful about the song though and I am happy that a song like that has been written especially due to the stigma of mental health. 

"Little Talks"

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear

The stairs creak as I sleep,

It's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes

And some days I can't even trust myself

It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Hey! Hey!

There's an old voice in my head

That's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks

Soon it will all be over, and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right.

Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

You're gone, gone, gone away,

I watched you disappear

All that's left is a ghost of you

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

there's nothing we can do,

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep

Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

I wish I didn't feel so empty

Lately I've felt really empty. I'm pretty sure I know the reasons why but I can't do anything about it. I need to just wait and time will make it all better I guess. I just want to tell future me to be thankful for happiness and not take it for granted as I trust I won't be this way in some years time. I have so much things to do right now with university and everything but I just feel so empty that I'm not doing them and time is running out. I really need to just push through this and it will all be better soon. I just hate feeling this way and there are days I feel like it will all be better but then again I have days that I just feel like giving up. I'm sure there's so many of you out there who feel just like me and its hard to stay positive but better days are yet to come. =)

I wish I start writing this blog again

I realize I haven't posted in almost a year and that's simply because I have had a shitty last year pretty much and no motivation what so ever for anything. Lots of it was good honestly but lots has been absolutely shit. I would almost say I'm a complete different person now. I've experienced lots of loss in the past year and there are days where I'm upset and there are days that I'm happy. Yesterday I was just tiered of life and everything, today I feel like I will be happy! No two days are the same. I realize this blog has become me wishing things about me to be different a lot rather than things I want to do or try but that could be because I am fascinated by psychology so I keep analyzing myself and over thinking everything and seeing what could be different. I shouldn't keep thinking what I want to change in myself tho. That's a bit silly isn't it. I've thought a lot about this blog lately and thought I'd write a wee post to show I'm still here and will definitely make effort to start writing again!

I Wish I Was Good at Nail Art

Sorry for the serious topics lately, back to fun stuff tho! (at least for a while) ;) Lately everyone seems to be having really pretty nails all the time. It's not one colored stuff anymore, but its different designs and everything. I love nail art, it's so pretty. Unfortunately I'm not much of a nail person to begin  with. I paint my nails and wait for the nail polish to peel off. I wish I actually bothered to take the nail polish off after it starts looking bad but I'm really lazy at that. Otherwise I have really good nails that grow really fast and are always long (only now starting to appreciate that!). Now that I'm working as a Social Worker in Training tho, I have started taking my nail polish off if it starts looking bad. I try look like I've made an effort everyday to respect the people I'm working with, and of course try to show that I really want to be there.  

Recently I've really started admiring the nail designs I see around. I've watched some tutorials and they seem quite easy to make even tho they do look really hard. Most of them are just made my putting a paper to make a straight line or sellotaping the are you don't want nail polish on. I'm going to attach some pictures here of some really nice nail designs I found. I especially love the black matte and shiny black nail polish combination. I quite like black and gold together as well. I don't want my nails to stand out too much and in general don't like bright nail polishes so I'd go for darker colors and designs that don't stand out too much. I'm definitely going to try out some of these in the coming days and hope to get okay good at this. There are really good tutorials for these on youtube that are really easy to make, so if you get interested just find some on youtube and learn! That's what I will do!

I wish I'll somehow afford to pay gym, pole dance and aerial hoop classes next university year!!

I love dancing so much! I've done pole dancing before and
absolutely loved it and want to do it again. Best exercise ever; keeps you fit, tones your body, and builds quite a bit of muscle. So yeah I wanna join that when I return to university. The thing is I provide a 100% for myself so where is this money gonna come from? I'm working at the moment and plan to work till the end of summer all the time. I counted my finances approximately and I will have a very tight financial situation. I thought about it tho, I could prioritize what I want to do and health first as in dance classes and gym and then food and then shopping/going out. 

I found out that the pole dancing studio I want to join also has aerial hoops now which got me super exited. This means if I join pole dancing, I can also go to the aerial hoop lessons! Win win for me! I looked at prices and it will be £35 per month and I would commit to 6 months with this mini membership (7 classes a month max). Including this I thought it would be really good to have my gym at the same time as I will need to be super fit to pull these classes off somehow. That adds another £18.99 per month. So £53.99 per month out of my finances. 

I have a feeling I'm gonna take a risk with my finances and dive into this when I get back to university. I will have to manage my finances more than ever and stop useless shopping and make choices with the food I eat and if I can afford to go out or not. But in all honesty, I think I will be so much happier going to these classes. My muscles will always hurt for days but I will feel like I've achieved something after every class and be super happy and of course get very fit at the same time. I just think I might go for this!!! So exited! =D

And a quick word about the photos, amazing isn't it? And no I'm not that flexible - nowhere near a split. But I will go for it and hopefully after the huge amount of stretching at the classes be flexible and be able to do tonnes of stuff! Plus in beginners classes no one really knows what their doing so no worries :)

I wish I had more patience when it comes to my hair.

I have very easy hair - It's straight and brunette. I never do anything to it except brush it in the mornings. Now here comes the part that I wish I did something to it! I have learned how to make a fishtail braid (I wrote a post about wishing I'd know how to make one) and actually took my time to make a side fishtail braid today and my hair looks sooo nice! I automatically like my appearance more when I bother do something to my hair so I have decided to start doing something to it! I have ordered extensions from Luxy hair - amazing ones, had them before!, and thought I could go get some hair accessories so I can do something with it when I have it on soon! 

So yeah, I went shopping to Primark and got a black plastic bow which is so not me but thought I'd give it a shot (in the photo below). I also got a small hair clip with a butterfly on it, much like the one in the photo but mine is just a butterfly with diamonds on it. When I have my extensions on I like to clip a tiny bunch of hair at the back and leave the rest of my hair open. So I'm very happy with that buy! Then the last thing I got was a metallic black hair cuff thing. The one in the photo I own already in Gold and Metal and love them! They are so easy to use and make you look like you've actually made an effort with your hair! But the one I got now is elastic all around and has little metal triangles or something. Hard to explain but it is quite classy. All this I got for about 4 pounds or something! 

So yes, I will try my very best to actually start doing something with my hair from now on so I'd look better and feel better about myself. Super excited to get my extensions as well!!! 

I wish that one day I'll be an au pair!!

Totally out of my comfort zone but I wanna do it! Right now I have an application in aupair-world.net and am getting tonnes of messages. I found a perfect family but think they already have an au pair so that kinda sucked but otherwise I'm still waiting for the perfect family to come by! I wanna go to Spain preferably for just like 2 months. I could be earning some money while enjoying myself and taking care of kids, which will definitely benefit me with my future career. I'm so looking forward to this!

Also, when you leave to go somewhere far from home into a new environment and live with as little technology as possible and just be with yourself and the kids; you learn a lot about yourself! So I think it would be really cool to just be and become more aware of me. I'm so exited and am looking forward to this. Who knows might not find a perfect family or might get my ticket to Spain already in 3 weeks! Fingers crossed!

I wish I wasn't always cold

I am always cold and I love having my room super warm. Everyone who comes to visit me always complains about this. I don't really care about that, but I hate that when I go out I always have to take a jacket or I will freeze to death (except if its summer of course). Then when I get to where ever I'm going, I get annoyed at having to carry a jacket around all the time. Agh. And of course most of the girls who I go out with don't wear a jacket so it's even more annoying to carry the jacket around seeing others don't. First world problems.... =D 

I wish I become good at photography

I love taking photographs. Even more I love photography. On top of all this I love playing around on photoshop. I would never take photos and get paid for it, but I'd do it for fun! I've always wanted a good camera. I have had 2 cameras but both have taken somehow crappy photos. Especially the one I have now I really need to play around with to get a decent photo. Lucky me though, I went on ebay and found a good Nikon camera for really cheap when comparing to its real price, so here I am waiting for my camera to arrive! When it arrives I will grab a flatmate to be my model and go take some photos! Well after I learn how to work it of course! Oh I'm so so excited!

I wish I had matching heels and clutches!!

One thing I love in fashion and think is attractive and classy is when someone has matching heels and a clutch. I saw a girl once who wore quite plain clothes (jeans and just a random top) and was wearing red heels and a red clutch. I couldn't stop staring. She looked so pretty. This happened years ago and I still remember it and loved the look. When I go shopping and I see a bag that says 'matching heels available' I go storming about the shop looking for them. I still haven't found a decent set though. I saw one set but it wasn't my style really. But still that match would look so good on someone who could pull it off. 

How nice would it be to walk about town shopping in plain everyday clothes and then make it classy with the matching heels and clutch?? Oh I wish they made more products like this! It was hard enough finding just those photos!! If I had a magic wand I would just get the pink and black set (middle photo) right there in front of me and walk like I own the streets!