I wish that I was thin and stayed thin. Confessions...

Trigger Warning!

Knowing what I'm like and imagining how others may be, can I just say, this blog post is not meant to be of inspiration to anyone. This is purely me being honest about things as no one properly knows the extent of my... issues. Right, here goes. I had an eating disorder (? first time referring to it as that) starting a year and half back. My ex-boyfriend kept commenting on my body, eating habits, asking if I was going to the gym if I was going to be eating, as well as commenting once on my 'excess fat'. Prior to being in this relationship I would say I was quite confident within myself so these comments didn't phase me much at all (to begin with). I felt these just reflected his own issues which I could maybe help him with. Well surprise surprise, eventually I had heard enough and started believing those comments. 

We broke up at one point and I was so upset I stopped eating. I could not eat as I felt nauseous constantly. I drank lots of fruit juice to get sugar and calories in. A few days in I noticed, I had started losing weight. I instantly became addicted. It had always been a thought and now it was reality. I started measuring myself constantly. I lost 8kg in a very short time and I felt nauseous every time I tried to eat. I kept thinking - he would like me like this. Or maybe now he will see what he has done to me with his comments and hopefully he will tell me I'm too skinny and hopefully even feel a bit guilty maybe? But how sad will I be if I'm only good enough like this and he encourages this? Well we got back together after a week and a half and the first thing he said was are you not eating? I was happy. I had food not thinking twice and spewed involuntarily 10mins later on the street. My body was shocked with solid food all of a sudden. 





Forward half a year. My phone is full of selfies of my 'thin' body. Mixed feelings of happiness and sadness. I hear people make comments of me being skinny. I secretly love those moments. I also secretly wish someone was concerned. Maybe I wish someone showed they cared. A friend did cry when she found out. I wish I could stay this thin forever. I'd not had a proper period for half a year and the doctor told me to gain weight. I weighed myself naked on two scales multiple times a day. My ex was fully aware of this and sometimes was in the same room but I hid my weight from him. I measured myself constantly. To this day I wonder, why didn't he stop me? Why didn't he throw the scales out the window? He told me I had an eating disorder and that I was not allowed to work in the eating disorder unit I applied for a job to. But he never came in between it either? When we argued he sometimes said something about my body on purpose and left me thinking, he needs to see me spewing, powerlessly, weak, before he will ever understand. But am I really completely mentally taken over by this only to show him how much he has broken me, or is there more to it?  







9 months have passed from this. I've been single for some months now. He did apologize for this and said he didn't mean for this to happen to me but then told me in an argument a few months later 'all i do is eat' admitting his intention was to abuse this vulnerability of mine. He later said he didn't mean it but the damage had been done once again. I'm back to my normal weight now and I'm getting paranoid a times that people notice. I can't stop eating as I love food and lack self-control. I wish I could stick to 1-2 meals a day. I almost wish I had that will power that was there only through being hurt so much. But I don't want to be hurt. I just want to be thin and pretty. I exercise a few times a week but not enough. I had a bit of abs a month back. Not anymore. Is this all in my head? I'm better as I've been eating normally for like 7 months but I wont lie... sometimes I wanna be like that again. If I got a stomach bug I'd get traumatized by food for a while. That would help. I don't know but I'm pretty sure I had an eating disorder? How damaging are peoples words. I'm paranoid of my body although I know full well I'm a size 'Small' and lots of folk would love to have my body. People don't know at all and the ones that do don't know the full extent of how bad this has been. I just needed to spill my thoughts somewhere where no one will know me so here it is. 

Dreams Come True

I was sitting thinking about this blog and then thought to myself; why am I just writing about wishes? What about when I actually do something about those wishes and make them come true? Surely I need to inform you guys so you don't think I just sit around dreaming my life away! Well here goes. I have always loved circus, gymnastics and dancing kinda thing as you maybe can tell from my blog. I have done pole dancing (the fitness type! :D ) before as a teenager and absolutely loved it. Every year after that, which is now like 5 years, I have thought 'oh I'll go to the gym for a while to gain strength and then go'. Well I am pleased to say that I have finally started both aerial hoop and pole dancing!!! I absolutely love both and don't understand why I haven't started earlier. This fulfills my wishes of circus-y stuff, dancing and flexibility which I have written about before. 

I was a bit nervous going thinking I will be rubbish at it and so on, but I went in and could do the moves and if I couldn't the instructor would help me. Everyone needs to start somewhere. I got a lovely confidence boost as well when the instructor was pleased with me when I could do a move no one else could do in the beginners class even though it was my first time! I was just thinking yay me for training my core at the gym! (a few times haha) SO what have we learned? Always act upon your dreams!!! Otherwise you'll end up regretting it. And better late than never!!! I've never posted pictures of myself but I will post one now as I feel it needs to be posted as evidence for this!

Looking back...

When I started this blog I hoped it would help me see how I have changed throughout the years and it has done that for me. I have often come here to put my feelings down. To be honest with you, I often forget about this blog until I am upset as this is where I used to come when I was the most upset. When I read back on this blog I realized how much I have been through in the past years and how my feelings have reflected from what I have written. To go with the theme of sadness I wanted to post the song Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men that speaks about depression. I absolutely love the song and can relate to it very well. There is something beautiful about the song though and I am happy that a song like that has been written especially due to the stigma of mental health. 

"Little Talks"

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear

The stairs creak as I sleep,

It's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes

And some days I can't even trust myself

It's killing me to see you this way

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Hey! Hey!

There's an old voice in my head

That's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks

Soon it will all be over, and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love

Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right.

Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

You're gone, gone, gone away,

I watched you disappear

All that's left is a ghost of you

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

there's nothing we can do,

Just let me go, we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep

Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

I wish I didn't feel so empty

Lately I've felt really empty. I'm pretty sure I know the reasons why but I can't do anything about it. I need to just wait and time will make it all better I guess. I just want to tell future me to be thankful for happiness and not take it for granted as I trust I won't be this way in some years time. I have so much things to do right now with university and everything but I just feel so empty that I'm not doing them and time is running out. I really need to just push through this and it will all be better soon. I just hate feeling this way and there are days I feel like it will all be better but then again I have days that I just feel like giving up. I'm sure there's so many of you out there who feel just like me and its hard to stay positive but better days are yet to come. =)

'This too shall come to pass'

My life is not great right now. I feel like I'm fine and I say it out loud so I don't need to admit to myself that I feel like I will fall at any second. I don't know if it's just the moment or if this is something I need to get over with time. I have so many decisions I need to make as soon as possible, I have to do a lot of course work for university, I feel like I am letting go of certain people in my life I don't want to but feel like I have to. I want to be strong and resilient and not admit that I've been hurt this time. Perhaps its because I've always tried to be strong so its like the hit that finally knocks you a bit? I feel like I try and say out loud how I'm happy with how everything turned out and this is the way I planned it as I'm afraid to admit this is not what I wanted at all. I don't think I ever knew what I wanted to begin with tho so who knows. I feel like I'm running away from my problems quite literally but I don't know if I should just stand and face them this time. I think I'll choose the first option...

This song came up randomly on my youtube and it hit me somewhere where all those feelings I just wrote above came out. I didn't plan this post or try write it nicely or get lovely photos. Just the song and my feelings in the simplest way possible and a bit sugarcoatedly. Couldn't even be bothered to stick to my I wish titles this time, sorry about that. :) If I had to come up with something I guess it would be something in the lines of 'I wish this little part of my big life would be over already and I would feel like normal happy me again!' I just thought 'This too shall come to pass' would express more what I feel like now and how I try look at the positives... even tho I really don't. You know what I mean, no more lying to myself! :D

I wish I start writing this blog again

I realize I haven't posted in almost a year and that's simply because I have had a shitty last year pretty much and no motivation what so ever for anything. Lots of it was good honestly but lots has been absolutely shit. I would almost say I'm a complete different person now. I've experienced lots of loss in the past year and there are days where I'm upset and there are days that I'm happy. Yesterday I was just tiered of life and everything, today I feel like I will be happy! No two days are the same. I realize this blog has become me wishing things about me to be different a lot rather than things I want to do or try but that could be because I am fascinated by psychology so I keep analyzing myself and over thinking everything and seeing what could be different. I shouldn't keep thinking what I want to change in myself tho. That's a bit silly isn't it. I've thought a lot about this blog lately and thought I'd write a wee post to show I'm still here and will definitely make effort to start writing again!

I Wish I Didn't Get Social Anxiety

I've always had it but only thought about it lately, I suffer from social anxiety. I'm really out going as in I can ask strangers on the street for directions and talk to them like I've known them forever, but when it comes to a university situation, or meeting friends of friends, or being in a large group of people I kinda don't know, I get really quiet and I feel super awkward. I hate that about me. I avoid going to places where I know my friends have their own friends because I know I'm gonna feel awkward and like an outsider since I become really quiet. I'm okay most of the time but sometimes it comes and I just can't get rid of it. It just makes you over think everything and you end up shutting up and feeling awkward.

This summer I'm meant to be meeting friends who come with their own friends, and I've already cancelled going out once and made other plans since I felt awkward, and now I was invited for a weekend at a summer cottage with a bunch of people and I just feel really awkward about it. I replied that I will see if I have other plans just in case I feel really awkward about it and don't wanna go to the summer cottage after all. If I could change stuff about me, I'd change this. I also feel like I don't want to make an effort sometimes in case it gets awkward and rather just sit on my own instead. I think this is mainly because I dread just going to sit next to someone and saying "hi, what was your name again?". Sometimes I'll make friends with perfect strangers just like that, but then there are the times I just want to disappear from the world when faced with a large group of random people. I'm complicated. 

- That photo gives you a brief idea what I'm talking about but my situation definitely isn't that bad! :D

I wish I get a job and don't have to take a loan!

If anyone at any point thought I am in anyway rich or well off or spoiled little brat - you were mistaken. I am a poor student. I want a job that would in some way relate to my future career but it is really hard to find a job in my country (I am going to see my family for the summer). I could take a cleaners job I've done during my holidays (since I was 16) at a hotel but I've injured my back because of it so I don't think it would be too smart of me. So yeah someone please tell me where I'm meant to pull money out of. My friends and family tell me I should just use my student loan but I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I know its completely normal to take the loan and it is meant to support students during their studies, hence the name, but I know I would just constantly think about how much I'm on minus. I'm just not comfortable with the idea. So fingers crossed someone will want to employ me or I'll just have to go back to the hotel for a month at least. I don't want the picture below to me soon. Meh.

Just a little word of thinking with brains here at the bottom. I am really thankful that I am lucky enough to live in a country where I get free tuition fees, I know that a lot of people do not have that luxury. Also tonnes of people are way worse off than me so I should not stress about this. I will end up taking the loan if I don't figure out something this summer but I am stressed about it and this is my little I wish blog so I get to come rage about my life here ;D

P.s Sorry I haven't been posting much lately <3

I wish I have these little details in my wedding someday

I haven't thought about my future wedding that much. Its been more about what I would like my dress to look like or how i would like to have my hair. This post will not be about what I will look like but rather the small details of the wedding. Also obviously there will me be and my husband to be planning this so everything is open to discussion and we all need to make sacrifices sometimes don't we? So yea, these are just ideas. =D

Church Wedding
I do not want a church wedding because the place looks nice or because of traditional reasons. I want a church wedding simply because I want to say my vows and be made one with my future husband in the eyes of God. I know that God sees everything and is everywhere but having a church wedding is a more symbolic way of doing it for me and it is important to me.

This Sign! 
I saw this picture and love it! Why do we have to sit on different sides? Two families are becoming one so why can't we sit wherever we want? Love the idea.

Wedding March
I love Canon in D. Absolutely love it. This video was the best version I found - might have to find these men to preform at my wedding someday!

Songs at Church
Since there's always songs that will be sung at church, I would want to pick them rather than having random ones. A definite one is In Christ Alone, it has such powerful lyrics. I think I would pick one song in English and one song in my language since not all my relatives speak English. 

No Alcohol - except the champagne for speeches and wine for food
I know everyone's idea now a days seems to be 'lets get drunk' at weddings. I do not want that. I don't want people drinking at my wedding and getting drunk. There will obviously be champagne for the speech and all that but that's it. Maybe wine for the food - depending on the food of course.

Brides Speech
Why not? My sisters wedding had a brides speech as well as a grooms speech and I loved the idea. I think it would be really cute! In addition I think I would ask in advance some people if they want to keep a speech. It might get dangerous and awkward to have an open mic! Eek.

Dancing
I'm not sure about this one but I'm definitely more for it that against it! So I'll decide depending on the space at the venue (and husbands opinion)! But it's romantic and cute and gives the couple time to talk and cuddle after all the tension! <3

I Wish I Was Good at Nail Art

Sorry for the serious topics lately, back to fun stuff tho! (at least for a while) ;) Lately everyone seems to be having really pretty nails all the time. It's not one colored stuff anymore, but its different designs and everything. I love nail art, it's so pretty. Unfortunately I'm not much of a nail person to begin  with. I paint my nails and wait for the nail polish to peel off. I wish I actually bothered to take the nail polish off after it starts looking bad but I'm really lazy at that. Otherwise I have really good nails that grow really fast and are always long (only now starting to appreciate that!). Now that I'm working as a Social Worker in Training tho, I have started taking my nail polish off if it starts looking bad. I try look like I've made an effort everyday to respect the people I'm working with, and of course try to show that I really want to be there.  

Recently I've really started admiring the nail designs I see around. I've watched some tutorials and they seem quite easy to make even tho they do look really hard. Most of them are just made my putting a paper to make a straight line or sellotaping the are you don't want nail polish on. I'm going to attach some pictures here of some really nice nail designs I found. I especially love the black matte and shiny black nail polish combination. I quite like black and gold together as well. I don't want my nails to stand out too much and in general don't like bright nail polishes so I'd go for darker colors and designs that don't stand out too much. I'm definitely going to try out some of these in the coming days and hope to get okay good at this. There are really good tutorials for these on youtube that are really easy to make, so if you get interested just find some on youtube and learn! That's what I will do!

I wish poverty was prioritized first and gotten rid of ASAP!!!!

Those of you who read my blog probably already picked up that I'm a student studying in Scotland at the moment. Since I'm studying social work, part of our course i social policy which involves studying different areas in society which need social policies such as immigration and asylum, and poverty (personal favorite topics!). When we studied poverty and really looked at it in depth, it really hit me - 1 in 3 children live in poverty in Scotland. That is tonnes! How ridiculous is that? To look at some statistics from 2011/2012:

Out of all individuals 14% lived in relative poverty before housing (after housing 17%), and 15% lived in absolute poverty before housing (after housing 18%). 

Out of children  15% lived in relative poverty before housing (after housing 20%), and 16% lived in absolute poverty before housing (after housing 22%). 

If you don't understand these terms, relative poverty refers to your standard of living; you don't have the income to support your material needs which leads you to be excluded from society as you cannot participate in it. Absolute poverty means you don't have the means to support your physical survival so food, shelter, clothing, etc. 

Think about it, Scotland (UK) is a developed country and considered one of the most developed countries, but still approx. one in three individuals live in poverty. And in all honesty, I wont sugar coat it - these people live in homes which are freezing and don't have hot water or heating. They live most of the time on one or no hot meals in a day. Its not pretty. The video posted at the bottom is about students speaking of poverty and is a powerful one as it shows what poverty really is through the eyes of people living it. I'll also link Lorde's song Royals as it speaks of these people who live in poverty. 

I'm a student and obviously worry about my finances, but I try as much as possible to think of these children living with pretty much nothing, and then thank God that I have a blanket and a bed and a roof on top of my head. My room is around 10 degrees warm in the mornings when I wake up and it is freezing at night as well (heating doesn't help). I also try have meat on 3 or 4 days a week and rest of the time have like vegetables or something. Its super cheap to buy a big bag of carrots for 40p and they last me like 2 weeks. I am truly happy and think I have so much. I've found it in my heart to be thankful for what I have and feel dirty to even complain about my situation anymore. I think all of us should take some time to think about our priorities and reflect upon how rich we really are! I suggest taking 3minutes out to watch the video below. :)

Lorde - Royals "And we'll never be royals, it don't run in our blood, that kind of lux just ain't for us"

I wish I got an interest to actually study this year!

I've just started second year of university and I have to say this is gonna be a hard year! I have so many assessments that If I started doing them now I would have 2 per month to do. That's not cool. Another thing, I suck at writing essays and all that so I really wish I got an interest to actually start doing some reading already now and start preparing to write my essays. I'm quite happy that I'm a bit stressed about it already because I am the most laziest person ever when it comes to course work. I can start a 2500 word essay a day before the due date and then start shitting myself about it purely because I'm lazy. So yeah, I've borrowed a few books from the library (I just cleaned them away to the book shelf tho, oops), and I have some journals and stuff I need to read online so I've been trying to start off with those now. I really hope this catches on and I get assessments done way early this time and maybe even get better grades. Oh uni-life... =(

I wish you could trust people, especially friends.

You know that saying never trust anyone, well what about friends? I was friends with this girl and hung out with her like everyday. She was like the nicest girl ever and for a while like one of my best friends. People told me not to trust anyone with bigger stuff but when you have a close friend, your common sense just automatically trust them. Well after 1st year of university, I was meant to live with this girl and I gave up the security of having a flat for 3 years, and had to let 2 of my friends down. and let them find a new flatmate while I go live with this girl. I had to do this because she had no one and was opening the option of leaving university and I felt really bad for her. Well she was super happy to have me tell her I'll live with her. 

All was good till end of summer came. She sends me a message informing me that shes been thinking about moving back to her home country and quitting university for a long time now, and has decided to do it leaving me on my own, without a flat or flatmate for next year. I got quite stressed and disappointed about it but was more worried that she wouldn't take care of my rabbit while I was on holiday. Turns out she never even picked up my rabbit from his rabbit-sitter and I had to beg the person to take care of him for a while longer. I got more mad about this but thought whatever. The next thing she did was basically steal £5 from my friend who she owed to (didn't pay back full loans and refused to). I got mad about this and told her to return the money which she did not. 

Well the biggest thing for me was that when I went to pick up a box of my cutlery and pans and pots and other kitchen stuff, turns out she stole my frying pan that cost me £20, all my spices (there was quite a lot), my pot, my other pots lid, and a bunch of other stuff. This was the last drop for me. Seriously?????? I haven't sent her a message yet about this but I think I will very soon and a very impolite one too. I know she will get all super protective and somehow try justify herself so I'm just gonna write her a rude message once and for all and not give in with her. Seriously no matter how nice and how close of a friend you have, always be ready for disappointments because I did not see this coming...

I Wish I Liked My Singing Voice More

I wish I could sing better than I do because I simply love music and playing the piano and all that. I wish I was confident and had a nice enough voice that I wouldn't be shy when playing the piano with my little skills and singing along. I try sing a bit louder every time and even sing on parts where the notes go too high or too low to practice my voice more. People have said I have a good voice sometimes but in all honesty I think its a pretty normal voice, nothing special really. 

I think singing lessons would be fun tho. I feel like my voice isn't strong enough or some muscles there aren't strong enough because when I go to out of my comfort zone high notes, my voice kinda starts wobbling a bit or breaking or something and isn't strong there. Hard to explain but maybe you know what I mean. Maybe singing lessons would increase my confidence and get me a little bit of a better voice. Unfortunately I'm not gonna afford, or put my money into singing lessons ever so I'm just gonna have to sing by myself in the shower or something and practice that way!

Another great thing about singing - it's good therapy if you're feeling upset or something. I remember when I was going through some hard moments and I went to my piano and played a Christian song called 'A day, and a moment at a time' (Its in Finnish) and sang along quite loud - and it made me feel so much better. I felt like when I sang the words of the song which were perfect for the situation I was in, it kind of told me everything will be okay and I shouldn't worry. I've had quite a few moments like this and if something similar has happened to you, you will know what I'm talking about. So yea, I wish I liked my voice more and could sing better perhaps.

I wish children had more feeling towards others and weren't so selfish!

I do not appreciate the selfishness of children at all. From what I have seen from the bunch of children I've been with, when kids do something they forget about it quite fast. And the problem is when they hurt someones feelings and after 15 minutes come ask you to play like nothing has happened. Today I had a little conflict with my au pair child and I thought to myself, how do I make her understand that she has just hurt someones feelings? Nothing major but just upsetting stuff. I acted like a child a bit and tried to make her notice that I wasn't happy with her but I don't think she got it. If it were my child I would have explained very well how I felt about 'stuff'. Children are so selfish as well and often think about only themselves. I guess maybe they are only too young to understand but still. Make them understand basic things like feelings faster. Agh so annoying. 

And I'm talking of little basic things as well such as a girl going on a play date to her 'friends'. When she arrives, her 'friends' go 'nooooo we don't want to be with her, tell her to go away'. How mean is that seriously? I've seen it all. Also when children talk rudely and disrespectfully to parents and all the rest of that. I know a family who's child ran away from home and when she later returned and saw her crying mother, she simply said I don't care and I'm not gonna tell where I've been and all that. Oh gosh. Not all children are so selfish and feeling less but I somehow believe almost every child has their moments. Definitely waiting till I'm like 30 to have kids and properly ready to put my time to bringing them up.

I wish that the law of Capital Punishment (Death Penalty) was Abolished in every country and state that practices it

Here goes - 32 states and 21 countries (last year) practice capital punishment. I cannot begin to emphasize how wrong this is. I understand that people can do horrifying things but then again I believe we all should get a second chance. If a person is very dangerous though, why can't we just keep him in prison and not take his life? Who are we to judge who deserves life and who doesn't? I read death row information from texas department of criminal justice web page about last words and what the crime has been and my heart broke. My heart broke even more when I saw the schedule of people who are going to be executed. There was the dates and photos of the people and everything. If you wanna see it, go to the web page I'll link at the bottom but its horrible. Here are a few last words for you to read. I was reading these because I thought someone should hear them out and I think a lot of people don't. My heart goes out for these people. I don't know how someone can do this.

Hey mom and pop. I love ya'll, all of you people in there. You know, ya'll have to come together, you too Terrella. Ya'll work on that. We all have to stand before God at the end of the day. Don't ever think you're perfect, none of us are perfect. God is the only one that is perfect. Jesus is perfect. I did wrong, now I am paying the ultimate price, even though it's a crooked way. I don't hate ya'll. Don't judge, I'm not judging. God has to judge those people. I forgive. Always remember, Romans 12:19 is for real, hell is for real. If ya'll don't have your life right, get it right. We all have to die to get to heaven. Get your life right with Christ; it's coming to an end. I'm talking to each and every soul in this building, in this room. I don't hate nobody, you're doing what you think is your job. God's law is above this law.

Hang on. Cowboy up, I'm fixing to ride. Jesus is my ride. Tell my babies daddy will look down on them. Put a "C" in his name for Carl. Tell my boys and tell Tracy to keep on keeping on. Love one another, go to church, change your life for Christ, live your life for Christ. All right, Warden. Terella, I feel it babe, love.

- Carl Blue - executed: February 21, 2013

 "...I don't believe that taking my life will solve anything. I believe that if I was locked up for the rest of my life, that would be more of a punishment. ..."- Bobby Lee Hines - Executed 24/10/2012

" Yes, I want to tell everybody that I love everybody. Keep your heads up. We are all family, people of God Almighty. We're all good. I'm ready.

Are they already doing it? I'm gonna go to sleep. See you later. This stuff stings, man almighty."    

- Rodrigo Hernandez - Executed 26/1/2012

"You're not about to witness an execution, you are about to witness a murder. I am strapped down for something Marcus Rhodes did. I never killed anybody, ever. I love you, Mom. I love you, Tali. This is wrong. This whole thing is wrong. I can't believe you are going to let Marcus Rhodes walk around free. Justice has let me down. Somebody completely screwed this up. I love you too, Mom. Well Warden, if you are going to murder someone, go ahead and do it. Pull the trigger. It's coming. I can feel it coming. Goodbye."

- Steven Woods - Executed 13/9/2011

Another horrible thing is that a bunch of these people are innocent. An example of a man who was innocent and on death sentence is Damien Echols. He was sentenced to death by lethal injection for the murder of 3 little boys along with 2 of his friends who got a life sentence (it was quite obvious that they were innocent and there has been a lot of raising awareness about this). Today I did a bit of research and was very glad to read on the news that all 3 have been released on August 2011. Thank God. For so many years I thought about them and my heart went out to them. If you want to know more, watch the documentary about it called 'A cry for Innocence' (it has Johnny Depp in it (Y)). After Damien got released this is what he said in an interview: "You can't teach people that killing is wrong by killing someone. It's just - it's not logical." I personally agree with this completely - hence the photo below. 

I don't know what you think about this but I think death penalty is one big nightmare in this world that I don't want to be true. And I'll tell my opinion still from a social worker to be's perspective. These peoples actions are largely influenced by what they have experienced and what has happened to them when they were children. Things like, violence, broken families, rape, alcohol and drug misuse by loved ones, etc. Why don't we just go to the root of the problem and punish the people who influenced these people to become like this. A lot of these people don't need prison, they need help and badly. They need someone to help them get over things that have happened to them and help them learn manners like violence doesn't solve things. I spoke with a social worker who worked at a prison who told me that some of the young prisoners especially have been raised with violence and they don't understand whats wrong with what they do since they are just practicing what they have seen all their life and how they have been treated. 

Everyone has their own opinion but this is mine. Taking someones life is just so so so wrong, and nobody's right to do. Even if the other person has taken other peoples lives. Oh this world we live in...

http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/dr_executed_offenders.html

I wish I could go into a blanket fort and color my time away and not care about nothing.

I'm annoyed at life. Simply because it doesn't work the way I want it to. I wish people had time for me exactly when I have time, did things for me, and pleased me. Today I played hide and seek with kids and a 6 year old was ruining the game by telling the people hiding when I was coming. I got pissed. Why is it so hard for me to understand that its a 6 year old? Who cares about the rules, just have fun? Well I think I'm so self centered some days that I care. There is tonnes of stuff that happened especially today that make me feel like It's hard for me to accept things going other than my way. At the moment I feel very stubborn and I feel very unhappy with things not going my way right now. And nothing major, just stupid things like hide and seek and people not having time for me when I have 5 minutes free. Today I feel like I want to go into a blanket fort and color. And I wish I could do that without caring about anything or responding to anyone. - And in case you're wondering, yes, I am a grown up.

I wish I'll somehow afford to pay gym, pole dance and aerial hoop classes next university year!!

I love dancing so much! I've done pole dancing before and
absolutely loved it and want to do it again. Best exercise ever; keeps you fit, tones your body, and builds quite a bit of muscle. So yeah I wanna join that when I return to university. The thing is I provide a 100% for myself so where is this money gonna come from? I'm working at the moment and plan to work till the end of summer all the time. I counted my finances approximately and I will have a very tight financial situation. I thought about it tho, I could prioritize what I want to do and health first as in dance classes and gym and then food and then shopping/going out. 

I found out that the pole dancing studio I want to join also has aerial hoops now which got me super exited. This means if I join pole dancing, I can also go to the aerial hoop lessons! Win win for me! I looked at prices and it will be £35 per month and I would commit to 6 months with this mini membership (7 classes a month max). Including this I thought it would be really good to have my gym at the same time as I will need to be super fit to pull these classes off somehow. That adds another £18.99 per month. So £53.99 per month out of my finances. 

I have a feeling I'm gonna take a risk with my finances and dive into this when I get back to university. I will have to manage my finances more than ever and stop useless shopping and make choices with the food I eat and if I can afford to go out or not. But in all honesty, I think I will be so much happier going to these classes. My muscles will always hurt for days but I will feel like I've achieved something after every class and be super happy and of course get very fit at the same time. I just think I might go for this!!! So exited! =D

And a quick word about the photos, amazing isn't it? And no I'm not that flexible - nowhere near a split. But I will go for it and hopefully after the huge amount of stretching at the classes be flexible and be able to do tonnes of stuff! Plus in beginners classes no one really knows what their doing so no worries :)

I wish I'd never have to say goodbye again.

I hate goodbyes. I don't think anyone hates goodbyes as much as I do. I'm leaving to be an au pair to Spain for 6 weeks in a few days but I'm leaving my town already tomorrow and therefore have to face a painful goodbye to my boyfriend. We've spent so many days together because I'm leaving and had such a great time together. Today we were walking together and all of a sudden he ran off and picked me a beautiful flower, and that's when it struck me - I'll see him for a very few short hours anymore. I never stress about goodbyes this much but I felt horrible hours before saying good night to him. I know I will still see him tomorrow when he takes me to the bus station but I just started crying in his arms when we got to my place. I cried for ages and regret all my wishes and final decisions of leaving to be an au pair in the first place. I hate good byes. I never ever want to leave my loved ones again. Ever. It's just unnecessary sadness. 

Seeing what I'm like at this stage already, just think about how horrible it must have been back in the day for all the ladies that had to say goodbye to their husbands when they left to war, marines, or anything. In fact, one day I'll  have to say bye when my boyfriend goes to the army but hopefully I'll get to see him every weekend or every second weekend so its not too bad. Either way, I'm definitely not looking forward to the emotional goodbye at the bus station tomorrow. I didn't used to get so upset about this stuff, whats happened to me? I wish goodbyes didn't exist. =(

I wish I wore dresses more

I love wearing dresses and summer is a great excuse to wear them. The thing is, I kinda feel overdressed going out on a normal day wearing a dress. I know a lot of people wear dresses and all that but I can't help feeling awkward. Either way, I have started changing myself!! I have a few friends who wear dresses all the time so I wore dresses when I was with them. After that I didn't feel that awkward anymore. I actually felt really pretty wearing a dress and it was so comfortable and chill. After that I've tried my best to wear more dresses outside since I do own quite a few dresses. So yes, I am actually starting to wear more dresses and winning that feeling of awkwardness!