Knowing what I'm like and imagining how others may be, can I just say, this blog post is not meant to be of inspiration to anyone. This is purely me being honest about things as no one properly knows the extent of my... issues. Right, here goes. I had an eating disorder (? first time referring to it as that) starting a year and half back. My ex-boyfriend kept commenting on my body, eating habits, asking if I was going to the gym if I was going to be eating, as well as commenting once on my 'excess fat'. Prior to being in this relationship I would say I was quite confident within myself so these comments didn't phase me much at all (to begin with). I felt these just reflected his own issues which I could maybe help him with. Well surprise surprise, eventually I had heard enough and started believing those comments.
We broke up at one point and I was so upset I stopped eating. I could not eat as I felt nauseous constantly. I drank lots of fruit juice to get sugar and calories in. A few days in I noticed, I had started losing weight. I instantly became addicted. It had always been a thought and now it was reality. I started measuring myself constantly. I lost 8kg in a very short time and I felt nauseous every time I tried to eat. I kept thinking - he would like me like this. Or maybe now he will see what he has done to me with his comments and hopefully he will tell me I'm too skinny and hopefully even feel a bit guilty maybe? But how sad will I be if I'm only good enough like this and he encourages this? Well we got back together after a week and a half and the first thing he said was are you not eating? I was happy. I had food not thinking twice and spewed involuntarily 10mins later on the street. My body was shocked with solid food all of a sudden.
Forward half a year. My phone is full of selfies of my 'thin' body. Mixed feelings of happiness and sadness. I hear people make comments of me being skinny. I secretly love those moments. I also secretly wish someone was concerned. Maybe I wish someone showed they cared. A friend did cry when she found out. I wish I could stay this thin forever. I'd not had a proper period for half a year and the doctor told me to gain weight. I weighed myself naked on two scales multiple times a day. My ex was fully aware of this and sometimes was in the same room but I hid my weight from him. I measured myself constantly. To this day I wonder, why didn't he stop me? Why didn't he throw the scales out the window? He told me I had an eating disorder and that I was not allowed to work in the eating disorder unit I applied for a job to. But he never came in between it either? When we argued he sometimes said something about my body on purpose and left me thinking, he needs to see me spewing, powerlessly, weak, before he will ever understand. But am I really completely mentally taken over by this only to show him how much he has broken me, or is there more to it? 
9 months have passed from this. I've been single for some months now. He did apologize for this and said he didn't mean for this to happen to me but then told me in an argument a few months later 'all i do is eat' admitting his intention was to abuse this vulnerability of mine. He later said he didn't mean it but the damage had been done once again. I'm back to my normal weight now and I'm getting paranoid a times that people notice. I can't stop eating as I love food and lack self-control. I wish I could stick to 1-2 meals a day. I almost wish I had that will power that was there only through being hurt so much. But I don't want to be hurt. I just want to be thin and pretty. I exercise a few times a week but not enough. I had a bit of abs a month back. Not anymore. Is this all in my head? I'm better as I've been eating normally for like 7 months but I wont lie... sometimes I wanna be like that again. If I got a stomach bug I'd get traumatized by food for a while. That would help. I don't know but I'm pretty sure I had an eating disorder? How damaging are peoples words. I'm paranoid of my body although I know full well I'm a size 'Small' and lots of folk would love to have my body. People don't know at all and the ones that do don't know the full extent of how bad this has been. I just needed to spill my thoughts somewhere where no one will know me so here it is.
