I wish I will suceed in saving a bunch of money!

I have never made a new years promise, and this doesn't feel like one really so I'll just say it's a new years decision. I want to save up money. I would LOVE to have little jars where I put coins and every now and then, maybe even a bill. I would label the jars with different notes what say what I would like to spend that money on. If I could get a good bunch of money in a jar, just imagine how awesome it would be when it comes to using it! I wouldn't have to care how much I'm using since I saved it for that purpose. 

Since I live by myself I think its also a good idea since I'm pretty sure at some point during my studies I'll go bankrupt. I think I'll just have to have a few of the jars not see through so I don't actually see the money. Maybe ill put bills into a glass bottle because its quite hard to get them out without breaking the bottle. But yes, next year I am going to save up money! Happy New Years everyone, I'll also try to post more! <3

I wish I'll never have to be separated from a loved one :(

Okay, I'm already separated from my family since I moved to Scotland now but that doesn't bother me much. I guess I'm used to not seeing them sometimes (okay maybe I miss them just a little bit...). But I wish I never never never will have to be separated from my boyfriend. That would be horrible. Just imagine being separated from someone you care about that much for like a year. That would take a lot of commitment, patience and love. 

Sad part is I'm probably gonna have to be separated from mine for at least a year at some point. He will have to do army and unless I go to Finland to wait for him to come visit every now and then, we will have to go long distance for a bit. It will be absolutely horrible. It's gonna be all about skype and mail. I think I would actually sit down and write a letter at that point. I guess its all part of being in a long distance relationship. I'm so not looking forward to it (if it ends up happening). =/

I wish I didn't have to proof to myself that I'm loved so much.

I feel like I push limits in order to find out if I'm accepted and loved. I feel like if I get upset I often harden my heart and push the limit just a bit or say something to see what the other person will do. Not like mean things but just something like not reacting to something that should be reacted to. I feel like maybe I try seek this need to be accepted. I think what would really proof something to me is if I could be really bitchy and do stupid things and just be a not nice person and still I would have someone be with me the entire day and not say one negative thing to me.

Stuff that I hate I also like to see if someone would do them to me. I hate being hung up the phone to. I hate being slammed the door at. I hate being insulted. I hate someone talking negatively about my loved ones. I hate it if someone get too close to something thats very important to me.  I think I often try see if someone close to me would do something to me that they know I hate, or they know I'll get hurt of. And I think I get really offended if someone does something to me that they know will make me unhappy and hurt me. Its the ugly truth I guess... I think I'm a difficult person. 


Whats with that anyway? Why do I have such a huge need to be proven that I'm loved sometimes?

I wish I had the chance to swim while it rains again!

...In a river, or an ocean, or a sea, or a lake, or just anywhere while it rains! I saw a picture of someone swimming in the rain and right at that moment I had a flashback of when I was little and we were swimming when it started to rain. The feeling was AMAZING! I just didn't wanna leave! Anyone who has ever swam in the rain knows exactly what I'm talking about. Especially if the water is kinda warm and the rain is a bit cold. Just amazing. 

If I was in a country where there was warm water and it suddenly started to rain (not just any kinda rain, pouring rain) I would just take my clothes off and just run in! I don't know why I would like it so much but maybe its cuz firstly I haven't swam for ages since the rivers are so cold in Finland and no way I'll swim here in Scotland! Last time I really really enjoyed myself while swimming outdoors was when I still lived in The Gambia. Now if I ever make it to the water, I just wanna get out pretty fast. But yea, and secondly, I just love rain! Most of the time at least, not freezing rain as much :) 

Swimming + Rain = Just the perfect combination <3

I wish people cared more about how others are doing in life

Life is hard. It almost feels like you can't make it in this world alone. Of course there are the moments when life is really easy and you forget how hard life can be but trust me, hard times will come! Anyway thats not my point. You know how we ask people 'How are you?' when we see them. Who wants to hear any answer to it that a basic positive answer such as 'I'm fine' or 'oh, I'm ok and you?'. Since we don't expect to hear anything but a 'I'm fine', that fine could mean a tonne of things. Imagine asking a person you don't know that well, how are they doing and they explained their worries to you. Honestly, how awkward would that be... I guess it would be nice to be there to listen to them but it's just unexpected. 

I thought about this because my cousin asked me 'How are you managing to wake up from your bed in the mornings now a days?' and I thought, that is an amazing way to ask someone indirectly without intruding is everything okay. And since its not just a normal question like how are you, it makes you actually think about it... how am I really? I thought it would be nice to hear someone ask me more often, hey how are you really? So yea, I guess especially with close people I will start asking how they are in a bit different ways than just hey 'how's u?' and show that I care. =)

I wish thoughts didn't have such a huge impact on us

I have started thinking about this more and more and realizing how thoughts can just eat you up from the inside without you realizing a thing. Thoughts are created by what we see, hear, feel etc. Thats why I personally think we should be extremely careful what we expose ourselves to. We all know our own bodies and what affects us, but a lot of things in this world affect us more than we tend to realize. When I was younger I listened to a lot of music and I let it get to me. I only realized years later that I thought about exactly what they said in the songs and they kinda hypnotized me to this state of mind (depending on what the song was about). It had such a huge impact on me and I found myself depressed in my room so often and I didn't know why. The songs made me wanna be sad and made me want to feel more and made me wanna be something else. 

If you don't get what I mean, a typical example that I'm sure you have had would be listening to a happy cheery song. You know that moment when you become really happy just listening to the song and you wanna dance and jump around, well the same effects come from all different genre/types of songs. If a person listens to a lot of depressing songs, they are more likely to end up depressed in my opinion. This is because the thoughts will take over you. I randomly came across a picture of a bible with a scripture (photo below) that pictures exactly what I think perfectly. So I decided to post it. 

Another thing is that when you have a little worry and you think about it a lot, it becomes a big worry. Thoughts take control of a person so easily that I think people should be more careful. Of course we are all different but I think to some extent this goes out to everyone. I decided to make a change and I deleted all my music. I only listen to songs on youtube if i remember a song randomly but I don't spend my days listening all the time and when I get sad I don't dwell on sad music anymore. I have noticed a huge change in the past about half a year. When I hear those songs what had a huge impact on me earlier, I feel this thing inside me that brings back a little bit of that down feeling that it would eventually give me and thats why I know better now. 
                                                                               Just something to think about...

I wish I found it easier to commit to other people

I found this volunteering organization which I got really interested about, but long term just simply commitment scares me. The organization was for a childline where I would basically be on a shift where I answer the phone if any child wants to talk to me about their worries or troubles. But what worries me is that I don't really know if I would be able to know what to say and know what to answer if a difficult topic comes up so its out of my comfort zone even tho I really wanna do it. It sounded really interesting to me but the second I started thinking about it further I just got this feeling like, do I have this kind of commitment in me?

Another organization was called 'befriend a child' where I would basically commit to hang out with a child twice a month, for 2 hours, for a year minimum. The children are mainly from not so good backgrounds and so the goal basically is to make the child smile and have a good time. When I heard about it I just thought right away YES. But now a few days later I'm like, 'For a year? What if the kid doesn't like me? What if its weird and awkward?' and all that. It's really bad to think like that tho because that few hours that I'd spent with the child could make them forget their reality for a bit and they could just have a good time and laugh. It would probably mean the world to them.

My point basically is that I really really would love to have a responsibility like this where I could feel good about what I do and feel like I'm doing something for someone else, but I feel like I don't really have it in me. Personally I think it would do me some good to step out of my comfort zone especially if its for the good of someone else, but how do I make myself do that. I keep telling myself, 'I'll do it!' and then I'm like 'Naaah' the next second. I really need someone to have a good long chat with me and persuade me to get up and go for it! I know I should go for it, but long story short 'easier said than done'. I really wish I get myself to commit to this in the next months! 

I wish I NEVER have to talk anyone out of suicide again.

I have mentioned in this blog about loving helping people out and I even put a photo up that said 'talking someone out of suicide.' Lets just say that that 'sorta wish' came true, unfortunately. It was NOT fun. I felt such responsibility and I felt like if that person took their own life, it was my fault. I would have done anything to get out of that situation. I didn't know to do honestly. I just talked and listened and talked and gave advice and told what not to do etc. I kept thinking, should I be calling an ambulance? Should I call their friends? Should I call the police? It was so... distressing. 

I talked with the person for hours at night online even tho I had to wake up really early for work. Every now and then it felt like the person just wanted attention and was making a too big deal about everything, and then it felt like they were fo real again. The next day was absolutely horrible. I didn't know if the person was alive and I felt so so so so so bad. I was in my own world constantly thinking about it and I was extremely stressed out. Words cannot express how I felt. Seriously, NEVER again. 

I found out after a few days that the person was alright but in the hospital and I was sooooo thankful. Seriously thank God for everything being okay. Of course if I get into a situation like this one again, I will stay and help out and listen and try talk the person out of suicide, I mean how couldn't I? But if I could pick then I preferably wouldn't. 

I wish I more often witnessed people get over the dark sides/challenges of life

When you know someone and you see that their going through a rough patch in life, you're involved automatically. I have a friend who has been going through a tough time for quite a while and I've thought about her so much. At least for me its a bit self-evident that I try be as a support and try lift people up once they fall. Now here comes the point: Oh the joy when you see or hear that someone you've watched be in this dark place for ages is finally coming to the light again. It feels like there was a battle that has now been won! 

In a way its a victory for me as well because in some situations I feel like I am mentally with the person a lot, and I try fight through those battles with the person. It sure is an amazing feeling when you realize they are free or almost there! After that, all you have to do is make sure they stay up and when you fall, then perhaps someone can help you up. We can't really make it in this world alone can we?

I wish that I will grow old with that one person I choose to marry some day.

I'm used to people getting married and living together till they die. That's why the say 'till death do us part' right. In this modern world we live in tho there are lots of break-up's and divorce's being filed. That's because divorce is made an option. In my life I will not make divorce an option (lets hope my husband wont make it an option either). I have seen difficult marriages and I have come to the conclusion that when I get married, I will at least say my vows and mean them:


For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.


I know that practically everyone say they mean their vows and how they will be together forever, etc. but seriously, no matter how huge the problem is, then why not have a sit down and fix it. One thing that's always important to remember is that no matter how hard it is, NEVER go to sleep without fixing your issues first. That's how I've lived my life so far, at least most of the time, and I plan to keep it that way. I've not being brought up with divorce being an option and I've seen that marriages WILL be hard, but that's how you learn about each other right? And that is the point.

Old couples are rare to see together now a days, especially the ones from which you can tell that they really love each other. Those are the ones that walk hand in hand, look at each other with loving eyes, help out each other and just be together. I just love seeing that and I really really really hope that I will be in that position myself one day. 

I wish I'll have guts to go skinny dipping one day!!

Yes this sounds a bit odd but I'd wanna do that. It would take so much guts but... why not. Especially if other people (close people) are like yea lets do it, I think I'd maybe consider it. So it I was at a beach with basically no one there and I was far from the place I live in, It would be way easier for me to actually do that, I'd just maybe go for it. I'd have to be in a stupid mood tho but still. :) The photo below was just hilarious so I had to put it here.

This sounds really stupid so I hope no family members ever find out about this blog and judge me for it. hahaa! 

I wish that during the next 3 weeks will restore all my energy as I am worn out by life.

I have been STRESSED! I just wrote my last high school finals exam paper today. Finals lasted for 3 weeks and even though I was really easy going with them, I stressed. I haven't slept much, haven't seen people that much, haven't even had time to take a shower some days. That's how stressed I am. Otherwise too I'm mentally just... tiered. I need a holiday. Therefore I booked tickets to Turkey with my cousin for 2 weeks leaving in a few days. It's been a big hassle talking this over with my family but I need a holiday, I wont care what anyone says now, I'm going. 

I just wanna lie on the beach, phone switched off, nothing on my mind; no worries, no stress, nothing to do. Just me with my cousin lying on the beach in peace with no planning ahead. Taking one day at a time. I can't wait! It will be amazing, I just have to watch how much money I plan on using since I am kinda broke now =D

One aim of my holiday is also for me to be able to just be with God as well. I have been going through some stuff with him and I'd like to take care off basically, and yea I've been busy lately so I just wanna take time out and spend time with him too. <3 It will be amazing. I'm positive!! I'll return a new fresh person!!!

I wish I had long hair! (WAIT: I Can Have Long Hair, whenever I want! So can you!!)

I'll get straight to the point, it takes ages for hair to grow and by the time its long enough, its probably in bad condition and doesn't look that amazing. And besides, its hard looking at your hair going thought the growing process and not being able to do anything to it. I have a solution!!! Good news, get hair extensions! I wish someone had told me this a little earlier. When you think of hair extensions you think of these 'things' that you stick in your hair that end up ruining hair and all that. I've heard of sooo many horror stories until my friend got clip-in hair extensions. I tried them on and fell in love. I ordered hair extensions for pretty expensive from luxyhair.com and they were amazing, soft, natural and there was lots of hair in the pack (120g) I didn't use all the hair at once ever. They are very easy to put on and take off for the night. Took me like 5 minutes to put them on eventually. I haven't used them for quite a while and since summer is coming, I think I'll start using them again. 

I found a cheaper alternative though. I thought I'd sell my extensions which are in quite good condition still to a friend and order new ones from luxstyle.dk. They are just 55€ without any shipping as far as I know. People have given very good feed back so far so I think I'll get them. They are a bit of a smaller pack with 80g of hair but I don't need that much hair so whatever. Its a super easy way to get long hair fast and its extremely natural. The hair is real human hair and feels really soft and amazing. It could be considered cheating a bit but whatever, I loved the hair. One tip tho if you get extensions, don't wash them until necessary. They stay clean for a long time and I washed them sooner than necessary meaning I washed the good hair care products on the hair out meaning it tangles up easier =D This can of course be fixed with serum but yea. I was at least a very happy with the long hair and I think anyone would be. They blend it with really short hair and bit of longer hair so that's not a problem. =) 

I Wish I Felt More Comfortable Smiling

I have always thought that I can't smile showing my teeth cuz i think it looks stupid when I do so. I just smile like :) When I went to model school I got forced to smile showing my teeth and it was... not nice, I felt really awkward as the guy took photos of me. Anyways, recently I have started not minding that much. I've even allowed a few people to take a few photos of me smiling like =D and I gotta admit they weren't bad at all. So I hope I get over that completely and start feeling comfortable with my smile.

Someone once told me never to say a smile is ugly or say anything negative about someones smile no matter how weird it may look, cuz a smile is beautiful. And I agree with that guy, at least now I do! A true smile is the most beautiful thing ever. Personally I have always thought that the best photos of me are the ones where I look sad, but I'm glad that I'm starting to like the happy ones too! C'moon just look at the two photos here, which one would you rather see?

I wish I had brown eyes...

We are never satisfied are we? Those who have curly hair want straight hair and those who have straight hair want curly hair, those who have blue eyes want brown eyes and those who have brown eyes want blue eyes, and so on. I have heard statements like these loads of times and I'm sure you have too. And yeah, unfortunately now you will hear it again, I want chocolate brown eyes. They are naturally just prettier. But then again brown eyes are so common since its the dominant gene that passes on brown eyes while the blue eyes gene is recessive. Yes, I know some biology. =D I have blue eyes and have wanted brown eyes for my whole life basically. 

When I think about it though, if I could get brown eyes permanently right now if I wanted to, I don't think I'd do it. In loads of places around the world people look at blue eyes and admire them because they are so rare. So yeah, I should be thankful. Even though I ended up in the conclusion that I would rather keep my blue eyes, I will never stop admiring brown eyes. There is just something about brown eyes. Today I wore dark brown contacts and I liked seeing myself with them even though they were a bit unnatural. It's a nice change but I have to admit I liked seeing my own blue eyes again once I took them off. 

I wish happiness wasn't taken for granted.

I very much dislike seeing people who don't appreciate happiness. I mean if you see it in them that they really don't care. In moments like that I find myself thinking, haven't they ever learnt anything about sadness? Like anything? I'm not too comfortable talking about this but I've gone through times when the feeling of happiness had eventually disappeared completely. Lets just say when you don't feel happiness at all when you laugh, smile, something nice happens, it's gonna be your only wish that you could feel even a tiny little bit happiness again. Trust me I know and its horrible. After a few months I felt a tiny bit of happiness and I was scared to go sleep in case I would wake up in the morning and not be happy anymore.

So my point is that somehow I feel like something should happen to all of us in order for us to appreciate happiness but somehow I just think 'God forbid anyone should go through anything negative if they don't have to'. I know we have all gone through rough times but for it to be so bad that you miss the feeling of happiness and make it your only wish, it's sometimes hard to talk and relate with people who haven't had to go through so much. I don't know, it's complicated. Those of you who have gone through something similar will know what I'm talking about. So yeah, those of you who don't, appreciate happiness and never take it for granted because your happiness can be taken away from you when you least expect it.

I wish I learned to appreciate the people around me more

I have realized that I don't appreciate my loved ones the way I should. Any day, at any moment, I could lose a loved one and I know I would feel terrible because I haven't appreciated them the way I should have. I have lately tried to apply it to my life: 'live everyday like it was your last'... or more like the other persons last. It's helped me become more loving towards others and made me realize them more. But believe me there is still a lot to be done! :D And I think that we shouldn't only appreciate our loved ones, no, but also the people around us we barely notice most of the time. It means a lot already just realizing someone by saying hey. 

We don't really tend to notice problems and realize how important someone is to us until a problem arises after which were all of a sudden so caring. I think it should be self-evident that we value the people around us and are unconditionally loving and caring. As I'm writing this I got a phone call where I once again realized how I haven't really noticed the hard times my loved ones are going through and haven't really been there for them. So yea, I really wish I'd start appreciating the people around me in general way more, weather it's my own family member or a random person on the street. And I will work on that! =)

I wish I never gain weight and will always be able to call myself thin.

Personal topic to talk about but here goes. I'll be honest, my appearance is like the most important thing to me. I think a big part of my life I have wished I was thinner because 'someone' used to tell me continuously to be careful 'you're getting fat', but honestly I would never do anything about it. I like food too much!! =D Either way I just wish I never start gaining weight. I like what I am now and yea... I'd rather loose some than gain some. ='D When I think about it, I think the reason I think this way is because I feel like no one ever comments or compliments me in any other way but 'hey I like what you look like today' or something about my appearance. No one really ever says 'hey you're really good at that' or realizes me in any other way so yea.

I honestly think a woman should have curves and is way more beautiful that way, but as for me, I wanna stay they way I am. 

When I look at photos like these two, I get so determined to run off to the gym or start working out. My dad once asked me what I'd do if I gained 5 more kilos and I was like 'Noooo way'. Then I thought about it and I think I wouldn't be happy at all and I don't know how I would react honestly. I have heard lots of 'Hey, you are not fat' speeches in my life and I don't think I am. I'm actually tall and thin and was one of the only girls who was told not to loose weight in model school. So yea, I just feel that its important to me that I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. 

I sometimes wish I didn't have to live in this world anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I have a good life. The best family ever, loving boyfriend, good friends... life is good with me. But sometimes like today, nothing is really wrong but I somehow just feel like all my strength is gone and I wanna leave and go to heaven already ( no i'm not suicidal). I am a christian yes. I thought of this blog post as I listened to a Finnish song that sang about heaven and the song speaks for itself. So yea,  here goes:

I sometimes wonder if there's something more,

something that I cannot understand.

Is there a kingdom of heaven somewhere,

there where people cannot see,

cannot see.

Tell me there's a heaven out there somewhere,

tell me there's no dying over there.

Tell me there's a heaven out there somewhere,

tell me that's where Jesus lives.

In heaven nobody will ask for papers,

and no one asks what club we belong to.

There's no not need to think and ponder,

what relationships should we up hold.

There will not be tears any longer,

There we wont have to rely on lies.

There is just a group of lost people,

Which were brought back home,

brought back home.

Tell me there's heaven out there somewhere,

Tell me there's no dying over there.

Tell me there's heaven out there somewhere,

Tell me that's where Jesus lives.

The text written in bold is what makes my heart feel warm. That's what I believe my destination to be. It sounds so good that I sometimes wish I was there already. I don't know if i'm the only one but I sometimes think I can't wait to be in that place. And I believe that God had assured me that that's my destination. I don't know about you but I'm atleast happy I know where I'm going! <3

I wish I was a dancer in a musicals (Nine: Be Italian)

I love dancing. Everyone who knows the slightest thing about me knows that I love dancing. I also like musicals... well the interesting ones at least. I watched the musical 'Nine' like a year ago and I have been in love with the choreography for 'Be Italian' by Fergie ever since! If you know me, don't judge me after watching the dance below, I just can't help loving it. And yes, I would love to be a dancer in that, not the main dancer but someone else... It would be fun! The stage, the costumes, the sand, the chairs, the amount of dancers, the song, the actual choreography! <3 

I wouldn't mind being in other dance shows in general as well but something like this looks really interesting. Maybe a bit more clothes on but otherwise... this... You get the point! =)